My Kryptonite

Apparently My battle with food is my kryptonite, the one thing that seems to destroy or consistently eat at me. lol - Pun intended. ;) I've struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. I've seen pics of myself as a child where I was skinny or healthy but somewhere in the 4th-5th grades I started eating too much. I remember my mom saying one time when I was pretty young, "give that food to Amy, she's our trash can."At the time I don't know if it hurt my feelings as bad as it made me think, well maybe I AM! I've remembered it through the years however, so it must have made an impact, and not a favorable one. My mom never meant to hurt me, I know this. She is kind-hearted to the bone but everyone says things they don't really mean sometimes...even mommies. Although at the time, it was probably a true statement. :( 

     As a kid we traveled 9 months out of the year and were only home 2 days-2 weeks at one time so it was always difficult to fit back in with your friends at school when you'd been gone. They were usually talking about different stuff and boys each time we came home. I was really shy when I was young, I know...shocker! I used to cry every day because I didn't want to go to school. my parents basically had to force me to go. I'm guessing the stress of coming and going so much and the pressures of being in the spotlight non-stop may have caused me to turn to something that never changed...food. It was like a constant companion that wouldn't laugh at me or make me feel like I didn't belong. I know how crazy that sounds, but we all have our kryptonite my friends. It has just taken me too long to actively DO something about it. To get help. 

     I'm very leery of going back to my childhood to see if there's a root cause somewhere for my eating addiction because I don't like/want to cast blame or make excuses for my bad decisions or behavior. I did this to myself and i feel like therefor I deserve every consequence to come. I do know however that there are reasons for our behaviors and actions. Some are passed down generationally, some are hereditary, and some are learned. Mine could have been a combination. Obesity reared its ugly head on both my mom AND dads sides of the family. That, along with our lifestyle growing up, (which I'm extremely grateful for and wouldn't change it if given the chance)eating late, lots of fast-food, hardly any exercise, and me being teh middle child and shy but still pushed into the spotlight are all things that could have contributed to my obesity. I hate that word, I really do. It doesn't sound like me and it shouldn't be me. 

     Growing up I always felt second, third, or fourth-best, which lets face it, was last because Megan wasn't here yet. okay kinda funny, but true. My dad meant well but solos were picked on a 'who can sing it the best' basis. I always felt ill-equipped, a poor substitute, just lacking I guess. Again, because of my nerves, I had to be forced to sing solos when I was asked, because I knew others could sing it better, they were just being nice. I believed a lot of lies about myself and was really impressionable as most kids are in middle-school age. I felt like I'd never catch a break surrounded by sisters whose incredible vocal abilities made mine pale in comparison. I got to the point of actually telling my sister Carolyn that if she didn't leave the group, I'd never be noticed. I couldn't compare to the tall, beautiful, SKINNY person with the angelic voice anymore. How selfish is that i ask you?! I was in a place where I felt completely obsolete, invisible, and like just another voice. Thank God, we've been able to talk about that conversation since then, and I've been able to ask her to forgive me for my terrible comments and attitude towards her. We were so close in age that we were always compared and I never matched up.

     Lets skip ahead since this isn't a novel...lol. I've tried a lot of diets, I mean a LOT! I've dome a lot of things on my own, prayed, had people pray FOR me etc...  Until recently I've been doing things a little under the radar, here and there but I've finally come to grips with the fact that I am indeed addicted to food.  There I said it. I've been to an OA(over-eaters anonymous) meeting, and am currently going to counseling/praying through this addiction. I've went back to look at the past to see where this started for me and why and am currently working through my crap. Why am i doing this? Because i've tried everything else in the past and it hasn't worked. Insanity is doing the same thing thing over and over, expecting different results. I guess i've been technically insane. :) Not anymore! i'm making headways...progress. It'll be a long process but I want to get to the root of it and MOVE ON! I want VICTORY. FREEDOM. So, there it is...Hi, My name is Amy, and I'm addicted to food, but by God's crazy grace, I know that I will be freed. :)