Tuesday morning ladies' Bible Study

Our 10-week Bible study is officially over and although it wasn't the easiest one, I'm glad I stuck it out til the end. Some studies are easier than others. this one was difficult because it was about the tabernacle of  sacrifice and it had a lot of specifications for drawing it, etc. BUT this last week she really brought it home, as she always does, and I was really challenged. 

     On day 4 of the homework this week she said, "I can't show you the Old Testament tabernacle, but I can do better: I can show you the New Testament tabernacle. Have you received Christ as your savior? Then take a long, hard look in the mirror...you ARE the temple." I've known since I was a kid that my body is the temple of the holy spirit. There was never a question about that but sometimes when you've heard something your whole life then someone tells/shows you in a different way, it becomes a new revelation, and that's what happened to me today. I felt a new conviction to live in a different way. 

     We learned to draw the tabernacle in pretty much exact replification, ( i think i just made up a word lol) the tabernacle that the Israelites built. I won't go into any more detail other than saying the dimensions were perfect, precise, exact. God was PICKY!! He wanted, no demanded everything be a certain way, and He was just as picky when He created us. He could have made anything to live in but He created our bodies...and He likes them. Since He lives in us however, that means He experiences everything we do. Scary isn't it? I automatically feel bad when I think about some of the shows I watch on TV, some of the songs I belt out my lungs to, and some of the things I say. I'm almost appalled and yet I know He knew what He was getting into when He chose me, and He chose me anyway. 

     I put this in my status on facebook today and I'll say it again. I want to change some of the things I watch on TV, listen to, and say. I don't want Jesus to have to 'cover His eyes, hold his hands over His ears to outsing me,(he he) or hold His hand over His mouth' to try to stop from experiencing the things I do on a regular basis. I don't want to offend Him in any way. I want Him to be proud of me, proud that I'm his daughter, proud that I'm representing Him. That seems a little far-fetched to me at the moment but I still want it. 

     We are also supposed to take care of our bodies, keep then healthy and strong, to be able to live the life God wants us to have. Well, I haven't done a great job of that but I'm on a journey of renewal, and restoration and hopefully I'll see it through to the end. I know this isn't necessarily about size or weight, but we still need to respect and take good care of our temples. I could say that I've been working on fluffing myself up so Jesus has a comfy place to reside buuuut that's unfortunately not how it works. ;)haha

     I'm glad I did this study and even more glad that God chose to speak to me so directly. I know I have some changes to make and I'm looking forward to seeing the fruit of that. With every bible study I feel like I grow a little closer to being the woman of God that I want to be. I cherish my Tuesday mornings with my lady peeps so much. <3
    

fml

So today kind of sucked. We were planning on going to Winter Jam, a big concert at Assembly Hall, which I was really excited about for 2 reasons. #1 I LOVE concerts and very rarely do I get to go since there aren't a lot close by, and #2 because Tanya and Lamar moved today and I thought that would help take my mind off of it. You know, give me something to look forward to. Eric had to work today til noon and then we were going to leave for Champaign around 2. WELL, around noon I remembered that we volunteered to clean the church this week for Barb & Dave because they went to Las Vegas. OMG...SO by the time we got our butts to Sullivan to clean it was too late to make it to the concert. AUGHH!! I was so mad! I have been so freaking excited about this concert ever since I heard about it so I've been trying to forget about it. FAIL!! 

     We got to hang with Tanya and Lamar last night. It was their last night here so I had to have a drink...or 2 to help with the pain. Yes, it was a little bit of a coping skill, don't judge me. I miss them already. :*(

     So I heard today on fit and health tv that 50% of women that die during childbirth are obese...fml. (You can laugh here, it's ok) Incentive?? Maybe. A definite suck-fest, though.

     Tomorrow I'm leading worship and we're having communion so I planned the set list for worship around that. Well, I was thinking Easter not communion so YAY for tomorrow's worship. It may not make sense. fml

     Reminds me of my 1st small group here when my dear friend Mandie asked for prayer for her friends who were struggling with infidelity and I, thinking infertility, starting praying that they'd get pregnant. LOL...fml. I'm awesome. Everyone should have a friend that makes them feel smart. 

     Dry humor...it's my game tonight. ;)

Discouraged

I'm struggling. I feel like every time I get on the scale it's higher and higher, what the crap?! I feel and still believe that God has broken my addiction to food and compulsive overeating and yet I am gaining weight. I worked out 3 times last week and although it wasn't as much or often as i wanted, it still kicked my butt and I felt good doing it.

     I'm trying to take one day at a time and not get overwhelmed or discouraged by the way my clothes fit or the way I feel but today it's not working... I'm frustrated and feel like I'm losing precious time. GRRRR! It makes me want to just not eat...at all. I'm beginning to wonder if this is something I will ever overcome. Ever feel like YOUR battle is the worst? Maybe I need to watch some more videos of Japan...

I heart Friends :)

 I just wanted to share some pics of a few of my fave peeps. Keeping in mind that I only have a very limited number of photos on my new pc. The 1st one has Carol, me, Mandie, Heidi, Tanya, and Angie at the annual  Yoder Christmas party. A super duper fun night every year!!

 This is Andi and I. We met when I moved to Illinois almost 3 years ago and we hit it off right away. Andi, as she describes herself, is one of the coolest people you will ever meet. LOL

 This is my beautiful sis Meagan, Angie and I. I love Angie and the closer I get to her more I heart her. ;)

 Ahhh...my beautiful sissypoo Carolyn, Tanya, I. Carolyn constantly challenges me and I love living so close to her and her fam. Tanya has grown to be one of my closest friends here and I love her to death. She's the kind of person you never have to be fake with. She accepts you as you are and will always be herself in return. I love her and respect her so much.

 Oh, if it isn't my BFF in the whole world Lauri. I love this woman! I miss her so much and I don't get to see her near often enough since we live so far apart. I hate it but she is almost done with her masters degree and I respect her so much for sticking with it and pursuing her goals. She's a rock star in my book!

 Barb, Megs, Sheryl and I. Barb and Sheryl are two hoots and a howl to hang out with. I can't believe I just wrote that but you know what I mean... They are so much fun and have definitely added a lot to my life since I've been here. I love them

 MANDIE!! She's such a riot. First of all, she knows everything!!! I can honestlt ask her about anything and she'll know something about it. lol She's alot of fun and i'm better off for knowing her. ;)

 Jessica has moved away but I still get to see her from time to time. She's a good friend that you can count on to be there when you need her. :)

Garage Party peeps!! This isn't a typical garage party. It must have been a birthday party but the garage should make the list. This is where it all happens. haha I love these crazy peeps in this little bitty town. They have made me feel so at home since I moved here and I wouldn't trade them or the times we've had for the biggest city you offer me. And if you know me, you know that's hard for me to say. lol

Reality TV

How do I get sucked into reality tv?! It's crazy. I dig it so much! I could sit and watch it for hours. Maybe just maybe I need to get a life or another hobby. haha

Random thought: I want to give Kauffie a mohawk. Wouldn't that be awesome?! I would freaking love it.

Ok, so I'm watching this 'new' reality show called "All About Aubrey." She use to be in a girl band called Danity Kane, which I've never heard of. She has her own show now and is trying to go solo. She has two white Pomeranian dogs, one's hair is dyed purple, in places, and the other is dyed pink, again, in places. It's kinda cute! :0 Crazy, but cute. ALSO, they wear pajamas to bed. OK, I know that's ridiculous, but Kauffie WOULD look stinking adorable with a pink mohawk and little pajay-jays. Yes...I'm that girl. lol

So on this show Aubrey goes to her choreographer to learn new dance moves to her new songs and the first thing he said to her was, "When did you get fat?" I was appalled! She's prob a size 0 or 2. When she went to see her singing coach instead of saying Hi, he said, "Whoa, you're going for THAT look, you put on some weight didn't you?" I can't believe these people! The sad thing is, she likes her curves and she told her choreographer, "isn't it ok to be curvy? Don't people like when you have curves?" And he said, "maybe in another country, but not here. You need to lose 10-15 lbs and take this seriously." I'm in shock. So she's eating a muffin while her friend tells her she needs to be eating fruit and then precedes to talk about how food fills so many voids in her life and how comforting it is. I guess you think only fat people deal with stuff like this but she's really hurting and frustrated, and the more stressed she gets, the more she goes to food for comfort. It makes me sad because I so know that feeling and I get to see what that looks like to someone who's watching from the outside in. 

     She's like "it sucks to be judged for your weight all the time. It's hard to be anorexic all the time. I just want to be able to enjoy a meal without judgment, and the the only happy times I am happy is when I'm eating."  That's so sad and I don't know why but it feels good to know I'm not alone. That there are tons of people who deal with this crap whether they're fat, skinny, famous, or just the average joe shmo. I really feel for this girl and in some weird way it makes me want to work harder to get in shape and to treat food as fuel, not as a comfort, coping skill, or friend.

My brother Rich

Yesterday was not a particularly good day for me. It wasn't terrible but definitely emotional and kinda depressing. I realized on my way to bible study that it was the one year anniversary that my half-brother passed away. Richard was only in our lives for about 2 1/2 years (long story, I'll tell you if you ask me) and we were all psyched to finally have a brother! :) I'd always wanted one, esp an older one, so when we found out we had one yes it was a shock but also really cool. Rich had a lot of health problems when we met so even when we were together for holidays or vacations, etc he spent a lot of time alone in his room. It was kind of hard to understand but it became normal after awhile.

     It was obvious that we were family because we meshed so quickly. It was almost weird how fast we hit it off! I was so happy about having a big bro. I'm still very happy for the time we had together although sometimes I wonder why God allowed us to meet him just to take him away. I may never know why so I'll just appreciate the times we DID have. It's hard to think about the week leading up to his death because all we knew was that he'd went to the hospital due to some chest pain and just "not feeling right." He seemed to be doing better and about to come home when he suddenly went into a coma and never recovered. We all left immediately, except for dad who was in Africa at the time, and drove to Ohio. I think we were there 2 days before he died. Once dad got there and we all went in to say our last goodbye's individually, they shut off his life support and we sang while he passed away. I think he only lived for like 10-11 min once they took him off the ventilator. It was really sad. I've never cried so much in my entire life. All I wanted was to be able to tell him one last time how much I loved him. I believe that he heard every one of us when we gave him our last goodbye's. They say hearing and touch are the last two things to go.

       I will always remember you Rich, and I'll cherish the moments we had together. I know that we had a special connection. I'll always remember the time we prayed together before I moved to Illinois and how you said that you know I'm going to meet my husband and you prayed about that for me. You prayed for me a lot and you got to see those prayers answered first hand. How cool is that?! Pretty dang cool. You were an awesome brother and I wish we would've had more time together. I <3 you and I'll see you soon ;)
     PS. the colors I'm using are in his memory b/c he was a huge Ohio State fan :)

Hangin out with my girl, Andi

Today has been so awesome! I slept in til almost 11am I think, THEN I got up, dressed, and headed to Old Navy. They have dresses for $9 today and with my discount on top of that, well, I wanted to check it out. I bought 3 so, YAY! I'm chilling on the couch with a blanket right now cuz I opened some windows and it's getting a little chilly. So, Andi's coming down soon and we're going to treat ourselves to Pedis, which I haven't done since last summer so I'm UBER excited! There's something about sitting in those chairs getting a massage on your back while someone is massaging and pampering your feet, all while sitting and chatting with a friend, and now that I've started for the year, I will keep it up. It's great girl bonding time and I <3 it! :) I also want to go to Bath and Body Works cuz there's a new coconut scent I want! Mmm that smells so good. 

     I'm so proud of Andi because she has been doing so well in her quest to lose weight and get healthy.  I have so much respect for her and know beyond the shadow of a doubt that she will achieve her goals. She's a rock star when it comes to working out, seriously. I've never seen anyone as determined as she is and as motivated to not giving up no matter what. I love her dearly and hope her determination rubs off on me. haha No, seriously. ;) The awesome thing is she has been there for me and has been so encouraging, even though I've been so unmotivated and basically, lazy. She still hasn't given up on me and for that I love her.

fun survey

My BFF posted this survey so I thought i'd pass it along because lets face it...they're fun! ;D

 

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? OMG I'm going to have to shave and start over!!

2. How much cash do you have in your wallet right now? We use primarily cash so prob around $200
 

3. What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR? Floor

4. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?My baby (Eric) ;)

5. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?Just the Way You Are by Bruno Mars

6. What are you wearing right now? leggings, tank and pink tunic shirt

7. Do you label yourself? Def not a trendsetter...Hmm I've never thought about it before.  Wife, singer, junk food junky?? idk...

8. Name the brand of the shoes you’re currently wearing? WAS wearing old navy flip flops

9.Bright or Dark Room? Bright RED :D Love it

10. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you? She's a riot and my BFFFL. She's THE most loyal friend a person could have and I love her dearly.

11. What does your watch look like? i don't own one

12. What were you doing at midnight last night? Do you REALLY want to know?? Getting it ON!! HAHA

13. What did your last text message you received on your cell say? "waiting for cable guy to leave..."  (lol)

14. What's a word that you say a lot? niiice...

15. Who told you he/she loved you last? My hubby

16. Last furry thing you touched? Kaufffie

17. Favourite age you have been so far? 17 or 30

18. What was the last thing you said to someone? Bye, I love you

19.The last song you listened to? Forget You by Cee Lo Green   LOVE it!

20. Where did you live in 1987? with my parents

21. Are you jealous of anyone? a lot of people...for different reasons! haha

22. Is anyone jealous of you? I have no idea

23. Name three things that you have on you at all times? my phone, lip gloss, and purse

24. What’s your favourite town/city? Greenville, SC. BABY!

25. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it? I sent a card to a friend last month i think

26. Can you change the oil on a car? Umm, NO.

27. Your first love/big crush: what is the last thing you heard about him/her? That he got married like 10 years before me and has at least 3 kids

28. Does anything hurt on your body right now? nope

29.What is your current desktop picture? One of  me and Erics' engagement pics

 

30. Have you been burnt by love? Yes ma'am I have. He turned out to be gay...awesome.

Left behind :*(

I've never been the one left behind before. I've always been the one to travel, move, and leave other people behind. Not saying that it's easy because it's soo not. When I moved from PA to NC, ON THE NIGHT OF MY GRAD FROM HIGH SCHOOL, that was the closest to the end of my life as you could get...i thought. But when you move on to a new place the newness, excitement, and adventure of new places and friends definitely helps lessen the pain. You have a lot of things to look forward to and experience. On the other side of that however, are those left behind... I know I sound tragic but stay with me! You basically have a hole where these people use to fill. If you hung out with them on a regular basis, you now have days, nights, moments to fill where you feel a very real emptiness or sadness for what use to be. 

       Ok, lets just say it like it is. Tanya, you have grown to be my closest friend here and I love you so much. I miss you already because I'm starting to feel the separation as it gets closer and closer.  I will miss meeting you for breakfast, and when we do our girls breakfast together there will be a definite void where you used to be. UGH, I hate this! I am going to miss our Sunday night 'panic' group SO much! A sunday night won't pass without Eric and I thinking of you and Lamar and the times we've had together. You guys have been 'our couple'! haha I love that so much ;) We adore you guys; Your hearts for God,  Your obedience to the Father to go wherever He calls you, your ability to get together on a moments notice, haha. We just love you and what you've brought into our lives. We will miss our garage parties with you and our ability to 'let our hair down' with you guys knowing it's just a vent fest and wouldn't leave the garage. I just love how we can be totally ourselves around you, enjoying every minute. You guys rock and I hope you know just how much you'll be missed. We were talking the other day about how awesome it is that on Sundays we don't even really have to talk about what we're doing. We know we're hanging out with you and that we'll be eating pizza and junk food, and drinking a combination of diet coke, Mt dew, beer or whatever else there is. I love that we don't have to discuss it...we just know! :) We love you guys and will always cherish the moments and the memories we've shared. 

      I know you're not dying...just moving, don't get me wrong. haha We can't wait to come to Peoria, have you show us around and hang out there with you. We are so excited for you and can't wait to see what God has in store for you. It's gonna be awesome. <3

Freedom from addictions :)

     So, last week has been really cool. Weird...but cool. So, I was praying on Wed afternoon and getting really depressed and desperate, in the area of control over what I put in my mouth. I don't know if I've ever really heard God tell me to fast before but i've been reading this book on fasting and it was talking about how God acknowledges sacrifice. Any sacrifice. If something is so important to you that you are willing give something up then God sees that and will honor your sacrifice. Well, I find it really hard to fast ever since I did a 40 day fast years ago and didn't feel like anything really came of it. Sure I lost like 35 lbs that I gained back + some, but I didn't feel anything spiritually happen. No breakthroughs. Come on, isn't that why we really fast, to get something out of it? Maybe that's why nothing happened, I don't know. So now I'm also leery of fasting because I don't want to lose weight that I'll just regain. 

      Anyway, Wednesday I felt desperate. desperate for change, desperate for help...just desperate. So finally I said Ok God, I'm done! I'm not eating again until you either fix me or tell me to eat. Basically, the ball's in your court and I'm not making any more decisions about what I put into my mouth. I was scared to do this because I was a little afraid that he would make me fast forever!! haha So, I started fasting and really praying and crying out to God to heal this part of me. I said I wanted change; I nearly demanded a breakthrough and said I wouldn't eat again until He had come through for me. 

     Well, on Thursday around noon I heard him say Why don't you eat some soup? I was like...what? Was that you God? So anyway, long story even longer God has been talking to me, telling me what to eat, giving me the freedom to eat but it's very different than before. He doesn't literally tell me every meal to eat but I just get a 'sense' of what I should eat and it's different because I've realized that I no longer HAVE to eat everything on my plate. I can say no to food. It doesn't control me any longer. I really thought this was going to be a loong drawn out process.  I KNOW that Jesus can change you whenever, however He wants to but I just figured this wasn't one of those times and since I've prayed about it so many times before I was like is this time going to be any different?

     Well, I feel like it is. I really don't feel the same pull towards food that I did before. I just LOVE the freedom that I feel to kind of eat whatever, without desiring to eat EVERYTHING, if that makes sense. it's awesome!!! I pray constantly that Jesus will continue to speak to me and guide me in this new adventure. I want to lean on Him and depend on Him to fill me and supply all my needs. I keep telling Him that I hunger more for Him than for food. My verse for this season of my life is Psalm 63:5 "I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods; With singing lips my mouth will praise you." I LOVE that! Pray with/for me that God will continue to lead and guide me but mostly that I will listen and obey. I want to be sensitive to His spirit and my fear is that I will go back to my old ways. I keep telling the devil that he's been defeated and my flesh that it no longer has control over me. Let it Be Jesus, let it be. :D Yay for freedom!!

My hubby

     What a week! So, the other day one of my dear friends, Angie, called to give me a word and prayed with me over the phone and it meant a lot to me that she would take the time out of her busy day to call and share what God had laid on her heart. Thanks Ang. :) then on Sunday at church there was a word about someone who's having a weight issue SO I went forward during ministry time for prayer and asked Eric if he'd go with me. Ok, it's embarrassing to admit you can't control what you put into your mouth, period. But to admit that to your significant other is very humbling and well, it sucks. I'm very independent. I don't like to admit weakness, OR ask for help (all things that i learned and from the way we were raised. You know, suck it up and deal, basically.) so this process has been very hard, but rewarding for me. 

     Anyway, I got prayer on Sunday and one thing the lady asked me was if I felt like I'd lose myself if I lost weight. Like I'd lose a part of Amy, who I was. She got the feeling that maybe I'm holding onto my weight, not willing to release that part of me for fear I will lose the 'essence' of Amy. Well, I don't know if that's true. I forgot to pray about it so I should probably do that but the next night on the way home from hanging out with 'our couple' (hehe) Eric & I started talking about it and he said he wanted to ask me something but he hesitates to talk about this subject with me because he doesn't want me to think that he wants me to lose weight. He knows how sensitive this issue is to me and he would never judge me for eating something I shouldn't, etc...  I assured him that he has said and proven that he loves me for every inch of who I am and I know he would love me if I never lost a pound. He is truly a one-in-a-million kind of guy and I love him immeasurably. So, he preceded to ask me if I've accepted this weight as who I am and who I'll always be or if I'm ready to say God, I don't accept this, I don't want it and I will stop at NOTHING to overcome this battle. Basically if I'm desperate or have accepted this is how I'll always be. 

     Well, we talked until we climbed into bed then I asked if he'd pray with me about this. I will always treasure that time spent laying on the bed, crying and praying together as we stood in agreement, asking God to come and speak truth to me/us. I love this man so much. He is so sensitive and loving, never caring what I look like on the outside, hot mess or just plain mess. lol He loves me for ME, he calls me beautiful every day, and loves to just hold me in his arms. I couldn't have asked God for a man who loves me more, that's for sure. I'm just so grateful that I could talk openly about this to him. Guys don't really like to talk about food issues and they like confident women. It's hard to be vulnerable and weak in this area but he assured me that he sees my great potential and determination even when i think I have none. He's awesome, so encouraging, and I love him more every day. He is truly a replica of Gods heart when he loves and accepts me so willingly, without wanting anything in return. I felt so light after wards, ironically. I know I weighed the same but it felt like a weight had been lifted. Thank you Jesus for your amazing grace and the peace you give when we come to you liek children.

     I just wanted to share how God brought us even closer this week and how he continues to blow my mind with people coming along side me to encourage and renew my faith and hope. I <3 my man to death and I only hope that i can be that same support system for him that he is to me. I love you babe.